Snoring Bulldog: After seeing an advertisement for Breathe E-Z, a mechanical device placed on the nose to alleviate snoring, I will be going to my local pharmacy to purchase a box. The remainder of the day will see me trying to reason with my bulldog, Spot, as I try to fit him with a Breathe E-Z nose strip.

Montreal: I understand 500,00 doses of Effexor have been delivered to that city after the Montreal Canadiens loss the other night.

Pirates: The UN, in its fight against piracy, will air drop 100 Jolly Roger flags on the beach near Mogadishu, hoping the pirates will fly them out of fair play.